OUR HOSPITAL STAY

There are times in your life when you are just blindsided. You don't see the trial coming and half of the time it is happening you are kind of in denial that it actually is. Oh man, what a Christmas we had this year.

After getting Vivi through the croup which took up the end of November and the first week of December, it never even occurred to me that she would get sick again before Christmas. And I certainly didn't think she could get as sick as she had just been. I took her into the pediatrician for her last round of vaccinations, which was probably a mistake because if I could guess where she caught the worst bug ever, it would have been at the doctor's office.

So exactly one week before Christmas we took Stella to the dentist. Vivi seemed fine, but left the office with a signature Vivi cough. Then when I got her up from her nap, she was on fire. And me? I was SO frustrated. Of all of the Vivi firsts I had been looking forward to, Christmas was definitely number one on the list by far and it was only a week away. And Stella? She couldn't stop talking about finally sharing Christmas with a sister.

Vivi was really acting the same as she had with the croup, but I could just tell something was a bit more serious with this sickness, and since it was so close to Christmas I decided to take her to the doctor when normally I wouldn't have done so. So they checked her out Wednesday and decided that she was just going to have to push through. However, by the next day I couldn't get Vivi to drink anything and was getting worried about ending up in the ER for dehydration. Thursday night while forcing Pedialite popsicles into her body she just kept saying "ow! Ow! OW!" I was sure she had an ear infection, but we had just been to the doctor. Stella never used to get them so I didn't know how fast they could pop up. After asking everyone on Facebook I came to the conclusion that we were going to make one more trip to the doctor in the morning. Thankfully our normal pediatrician that I like was in that day and could see her that morning. I honestly didn't think anything was that amiss when we got her up and ready to go. She couldn't keep herself up, but that was normal for her when she was super sick. We just headed over hoping for a positive ear infection diagnosis so we could get her better for Christmas in three days' time. On top of that we had our Christmas cookie decorating party planned for that day as well. I now feel bad for not having any idea how sick she really was.

When the nurse first checked her oxygen she mumbled that it couldn't be a correct reading because she shouldn't be so alert with the reading she was getting, so she brought in the big machine. I didn't have any idea what number we should be looking for so I was just hanging out waiting for the doctor to come in and check her ear already. The next thing I know, in comes the doctor with another nurse who has oxygen and they put a mask on Vivi right away. He tells me he has already called an ambulance to take Vivi to Primary Children's Hospital. Cue Stella bursting into hysterical tears and then me trying to not freak out and start crying too because MY BABY IS SICK AND CHRISTMAS IS RUINED!!!

I had to make a quick decision. We could ride in the ambulance with Vivi or we could drive ourselves. I DID NOT want to leave Vivi alone in the ambulance, but I just couldn't see how that was the smartest idea. We had our car there of course, and I was in my pajamas and had nothing that I would need to spend a day at the hospital. (Because at this point, I was only imagining hours in the ER and then home.) I'm not sure I will ever forgive myself for putting her in that ambulance by herself. She must have been terrified. As she got in the ambulance and they closed the door I tried to smile and tell her I would see her soon; however, as soon as the doors were closed I was a mess. I felt like I definitely should have ridden with her, even though I knew she would be fine.

Meeting her at the hospital did work out for the best, but they had already done so many scary things to her and I knew she wasn't happy about it. When we got there we found her hooked up to some oxygen. I could tell that she was already feeling better and got overly optimistic. They told me right away that they were going to need to admit her and decided to go ahead and put her on the regular floor and not the PICU. Since she was getting oxygen she was immediately feeling better and she got really hungry. She hadn't eaten for almost a week so she got pretty cranky. We gave her some Fruit Loops and chips and she gobbled them up so fast. She was also so tired and it was cute to watch her try to choose between sleep and food. Grammie and Papa came to get Stella so she wouldn't have to stay in the hospital. Before she left though they had to give Vivi an IV and I stayed in there while they did it. And Vivi screamed "Stella!" the whole time--she wanted big sister to come and save her. It was sweet and heartbreaking at the same time.

They moved us up to a room pretty quickly. She was feeling well enough when we first got there to sit up and watch TV. She was also well enough to express her dissatisfaction with the situation. I honestly thought at that point that we would be there for maybe a night or two. However, as the day progressed she got worse. Brent came after work and got us some dinner. Then my parents brought Stella and Brent took her home for the night. That night I got maybe an hour of sleep. Between being worried, starting to feel sick myself, the machines beeping, and the constant coming and going to check on Vivi, it was a rough night. I got the best sleep when I curled up next to her on the bed where she wanted me. But as I laid next to her I could tell she was getting sicker and breathing harder. At that point I was very glad that we were there and that we weren't home with her laying in her crib working too hard to breathe without me knowing.

The next day was Saturday, December 23. I had an even sicker baby than I before, as well as a sweet little girl at home who was very worried about her sister. By late afternoon, I had Brent and Stella come in and bring me some new clothes. I would have had them come earlier, but I really didn't want Stella hanging around in the germ-infested hospital. Stella and I popped into the Ronald McDonald room for some lunch and a break. There was something about being in that room that I just hated. I felt so sad. Families come in and make meals there for people who are in the hospital. And it would just remind me that I was spending Christmas time at Primary Children's with a kid that was getting sicker by the hour. I was super emotional and Stella's blue eyes were sparkling across the table from me. She said: "Mom, so many people know Vivi is sick. Everyone loves Vivi. So many people are praying for Vivi." I just smiled at her and tried not to burst into tears. My wise sweet little girl. I was so proud of how she handled everything. No one was more disappointed about our Christmas than she was. She had been looking forward to sharing Christmas with Vivi from almost the moment they had met.


                  

When we got back to the room, they announced that they were going to move Vivi to the PICU. I wasn't happy about it. I decided that if I was going to survive a night in the PICU then I needed to go home and sleep, so we left Brent with Vivi and Stella and I went home. That day I got an ornament in the mail that I had ordered from another family that was fundraising for their adoption. The ornament had Vivi's referral picture and I put it on the tree and just sobbed thinking about my sick baby, how angry I was that she was going to be moved, and how sad I was about Christmas. I went to bed and fell asleep fast and hard because I was exhausted.

Meanwhile back at the hospital they decided not to move Vivi. So when I came back to the hospital I thought she might be getting better. She wasn't, and the decision was made around 10 PM to move her to the PICU. Interestingly enough I was okay with it this time. It seemed inevitable. One of the doctors (because there are always several, and they all have to agree) pulled me aside and said: "She needs to go there, she'll get what she needs, it is the right decision." Something about someone finally giving it to me straight helped ease my mind.

Once we got there though there were about 15 people surrounding her bed and they started talking about her and what they were going to do for her and seeing all of these people gathered around her really sent me a message fast. This was serious, and she was really sick. After most of them had trickled out I came around to the front of the bed and saw Vivi's whole face covered by a big mask. She looked at me and screamed "MOOOOOM!" I couldn't hear her through the mask, and I couldn't do anything to help her. It was awful. She no longer could suck her thumb, which was one of the few things that had given her comfort before. She kept trying to rip it off so she could get to her thumb--it was so sad.

On top of all that she was wearing the same kind of mask that my dad had when I said goodbye to him before they put him on a ventilator. I had a little more PTSD from that experience than I had realized. And they also told me there was a possibility that they would have to put her on a ventilator as well. So at this point I was kind of a mess.

After everything calmed down it was time to try and sleep. I laid in bed next to Vivi who was resting because she was being slightly sedated. I fell asleep for about an hour and then woke up suddenly with the need to go to the bathroom. The bathroom was a long walk and as I was walking I started to feel quite dizzy. I knew I needed to sit down, but I also knew if I didn't make it to the bathroom I was going to have an embarrassing mess so I kept walking. Once I made it to the toilet it took everything in me not to pass out on the spot. I even considered pulling the emergency rope they have in there, but I couldn't bear the idea of a nurse finding me passed out on the floor with poop all over me so I tried to keep it together. After being in there a LONG time and emptying my body of whatever was making me feel terrible I was finally able to get up and leave. I told a nurse I had almost passed out because I still felt woozy. She got me some juice and a banana, and helped me get into the reclining chairs so I could rest. I was SO embarrassed that they had to take care of me, but I'll say this: it could have been much more embarrassing and I was able to keep the diarrhea part of the story a secret from the nurses so that was a good thing. I thought I would feel better after some sleep, but I did not. Again, I was sick with whatever Vivi had. I had also reached a bit of a limit on what my body could take. Also, I'm actually quite delicate. I can usually suck it up these days, but deep down I am sincerely a wimp. I called Brent and told him that I couldn't stay there that day and also that I didn't think I should drive. So my parents came to get me and then Brent spent Christmas Eve sitting with Vivi in the ICU. I know he was disappointed about not being able to go to church and participate in the choir program that he had worked so hard on, but it was just one more disappointment in a long list of them. I spent Christmas Eve sleeping. Brent was in the hospital with Vivi. And Stella was with the family at Ashley's doing the Christmas Eve stuff that had been planned. You would think I would have been more sad that I wasn't there, but I was simply too tired to notice.

At this point I think I've gone into way more detail than I needed to. But I can't stop now, so here we go...

Stella and I had a good talk after she got home from Ashley's and I was awake from sleeping the day away. I really can't stress enough how proud I was of how she handled this whole thing. She was so utterly disappointed and scared and so brave despite all of her concerns about Vivi. We talked about how this was so hard because we had fought so hard to have Vivi and because of how much we love her. We talked about how Heavenly Father gives us these hard experiences because he loves us and trusts that we will turn to Him during hard times. It was a good talk for me, because saying these things out loud helped me to realize that I believe them. Stella wrote a note to Santa asking if he could come back another day when everyone was feeling better and we headed back to the hospital.

At the hospital, Stella saw Vivi with the mask on for the first time. She didn't like it and didn't stay long. She and Brent headed home and left me again for another night in the PICU. It was a very special night for me.

First of all I was really missing Vivi. I wanted the doctors and nurses to understand what kind of a joyful daughter she was, and I wanted to shout to all of them that they didn't have any idea what kind of an amazing child they were taking care of. I know every mom probably feels this way, but it was getting on my nerves. So what did her night nurse ask me first thing? She asked me to please show her pictures and videos of healthy Vivi. And I did. It made me feel so good that she cared enough to know what this little girl is like when she is healthy. Soon after, the doctors came by making their rounds and they decided that it was time for her to have a feeding tube so she could get strong. Putting the feeding tube in is unpleasant but nothing compared to when they put the suction tube down her throat and tried to pull out mucus from her lungs, so I agreed with them easily (not that I had a choice :)).

One of the cute things Vivi picked up while being in the hospital was saying "all done"--well actually she would scream it. "ALL DONE! ALL DONE! ALLLLLL DOOOONNNE!" She didn't know that phrase before, but the nurses would say "all done" after putting that nasty tube down her throat and sucking her out. So Vivi thought if she said it, they might stop. They never did. And it was both heartbreaking and adorable to hear her plead for them to stop. It showed she had some fight left in her each time they did it, and that was always good to see.

After things had settled down, I sat and watched this perfect Christmas Eve snow fall while I looked out this huge window. I thought about all of the broken hearts in the world including mine. I thought about all of the families in the hospital that night with kiddos sicker than mine and I just felt so sad. I felt like I should sit and watch this church video that Stella and I had seen while we went on our Temple Square tourist day adventure. It is an Easter video with words on the screen talking about how the Savior rose from the tomb, and that He is not there, but here. When we first saw the video I had been going through a tough time and Stella had just learned to read. We watched the video in this small theater and Stella read the words aloud. It touched my heart in such a spectacular way that day and I thought of it while I sat with Vivi. I pulled it up on my phone and watched it. I sat and cried and cried as I realized the truthfulness and reality of that message. HE IS HERE. When you feel most alone and abandoned, He is with you. He was with me, and He was with Vivi. He was there. I might have had the most magical Christmas Eve of my life in that room while I realized that I had the greatest gift in the world. My heart, like so many others, might have felt broken, but I had the knowledge that I had a Heavenly Father that loved me and could make me and my baby whole again.  I was never given any indication that Vivi would not recover, but you just never know what could happen while you are in a hospital, and the whole ordeal was the worst experience of my life. However, that night was a beautiful lesson for me. There are times in your life where everything seems so bad and you are so helpless that the only thing you can do is kneel and pray. Being the controlling person I am, that is a hard place for me to be. The only other time in my life that I had felt this helpless was when my dad was in the hospital. To be forced to your knees and humble yourself to beg the Lord for mercy on your baby is such a humbling experience. An experience that I'm grateful to have had...now that it is over, of course.

On top of my visit from the Holy Ghost, I also discovered the slushees that they have in the PICU. They were like Slurpees, but better. And man, they were delicious.

I got some good chunks of sleep that night. My chair was the WORST! So uncomfortable, but I was tired enough and could breathe enough that I fell asleep hard several times during the night. So I was surprised to wake up and be told that over the night they had decreased Vivi's oxygen and that she was likely going to be able to get the mask off of her soon.

And then she did. She looked at me with scared eyes and didn't seem too happy to be able to suck her thumb again, but I felt immense relief that she was healing and getting better. On top of that I was able to scoop her up for a little bit and snuggle her for the first time in days and I loved it. I had missed holding her so much. So that is how we spent out first Christmas morning together. Relieved and happy to finally see some improvement in our sick little baby.

Brent and Stella came around lunch time. Stella and I used a free cafeteria pass on our way out of the hospital and shared chicken, salad, and rolls. Just like every single meal I ate during that time, it tasted sad. It certainly didn't feel like Christmas, but we both knew it was. Brent spent the day with Vivi and was with her when they moved her to the regular floor. He had to deal with my dad forcing himself in for a visit during non-visiting hours, and he got some waves from little Vivi during his time.

Later that night Stella and I headed back. Stella hopped right up into the bed with Vivi, who was sitting up and watching cartoons. Vivi wasn't really engaging with us very much but she did seem happy to see her sister. I knew then, no doubt about it, that I had the two greatest kids in the world.

Vivi had a very vacant, closed-off look in her eyes. It brought me right back to our first hours together in China. I knew then that she had regressed a bit and although I wasn't too worried about the long-term traumatic effects, I could tell that she had totally shut down.

The next day (the 26th) the number one goal was to get Vivi to drink. That was basically the only thing still keeping her in the hospital. She was getting weaned off of the oxygen too, but I knew that wasn't going to last forever. I still had to trick the respiratory therapist to come in while Vivi was focused on watching Moana, because every time a nurse or doctor came in Vivi would scream "No!" and start breathing hard. So even though she was ready to get off of the machine she was on, they weren't getting good enough readings. But finally during a Moana trance the therapist on duty saw that she was ready to be on regular oxygen.  Brent stayed with her the whole day and worked on his laptop while offering her liquids all day, though she wasn't having it.

I went home, because I had a big surprise at my house. Heidi and the boys were heading down from Idaho to surprise Stella and spend a few fun days with her. She was super surprised, and didn't even know what to think.  It was perfect though--within minutes my sad, scared big sister was laughing and running around with her boys. It was so nice. I'm pretty sure I slept while they went to a bouncy house and lunch at the Spaghetti Factory. Then we all went to dinner at Blue Lemon that night together. The boys made Stella laugh and laugh and it was really nice to be out knowing Vivi was getting better. It was the first time food had tasted good to me in a week.

That night Heidi came with me to the hospital and saw Vivi for a minute and then went back home with Brent. Shari made her second in-room visit that night too, doing some energy work on Vivi and me both. Vivi still had that vacant look in her eyes, and the nurse told me that if she didn't start drinking they were going to have to hook her back up to an IV and give her fluids. I was NOT okay with that business. Now, here is the thing about Vivi's past, and the way I feel about it. I don't believe in clinging on to her trauma. I believe she doesn't need to spend her life being defined by those first two years of her life. However, they did happen and they do impact her and this was one of those times that I felt like her past trauma mattered. Vivi wasn't sick anymore and I wanted her out of there. I told her nurse about how she had regressed and was acting like China Vivi. How she didn't know if this was her new life. How could she? She didn't understand this was temporary. I mean, it was hard enough for me and I knew it wasn't forever. I told her how she hadn't had any water the first two years of her life and that she wasn't going to start drinking in that room. And to further traumatize her and put in an IV would not make her better. One thing I really appreciated about Primary Children's is that they really did take input from me about Vivi. And this nurse did and she called in a doctor for me to talk to. I told him these same things and then the next morning as the doctors made their rounds they were all ready to send Vivi home. Hallelujah.

I was so happy to get her out of there. That last night a boy across the hall had to be sent to the PICU under scary circumstances and I just wanted to get my weak, healthy baby out of there before she caught something else.

Finally it was time! Vivi was released! After five long nights she was getting to come home. Heidi came and helped us get out of there and carry everything out of the room. She can attest to Vivi still having that vacant, scared, and guarded look in her eyes that morning as we got everything together.

Oh man, walking out of that place for good carrying my kid was the most amazing feeling ever! When I got her locked into her car seat, I could see it click in her mind that she was going home. She was happy to be somewhere familiar, and her emotions only improved the closer we got to home.

We still had a kind of sick baby. She still had a bit of a cough and it took a few days to get her to drink again, but ever so steadily our Vivi came back to us.

So I obviously went into insanely great detail about this experience. But there is a reason I did. The number one reason being it was the hardest week of my life. The second reason is that it was a really tender spiritual time in my life as well. I felt my Heavenly Father so close to me and I felt the many prayers that were offered on my behalf. So many people had been praying for us, people I didn't even know. I had one comment on my Instagram feed that said: "I hope it is ok, but my whole church prayed for Vivi today." I don't even know this person! That touched my heart so much, that strangers would say a prayer for my little girl...

I felt so helpless and could only turn to the Lord for help so many times. Even before the hospital, when she was home and sick and I didn't know what to do. I know Vivi was surrounded by angels and so much love. I know she was protected and watched over. I felt like the whole experience was really for me. For me to learn what it is like to go through something like this with your baby. To realize with crystal clarity how much I love that little girl. To realize that she was once a two-year-old stranger but now she is without question MY DAUGHTER. I wished so hard it could have happened at any time other than Christmas, but now I realize it had to happen at Christmas, because it made it all the more challenging and I had to humble myself even more.

At the end of the day, I don't expect many people to read this. But I know I want to remember and I want Vivi to read it one day and know every detail of this time in our lives. I want her to know how much we love her, how much we were willing to do for her, and how our lives would be so empty without her. Because they were empty without her. Those days where she was so sick...oh how we missed her. We are so lucky and blessed to be Vivien's forever family.