DADDY

So I recently came across this picture of Stella. When I took this in July, I was playing with my flash and its settings out on our back porch in the pitch-black night. I really love this picture and feel like it is kind of symbolic of my life right now. Generally I would have no interest in being symbolic and looking for meaning in a picture I took a couple of months ago, but I can't help it. Plus, with what is going on right now I feel like I have license to act however I want today.

This blog is the best journal I have ever kept in my life. Stella is going to be able to look back in detail and know what she was doing almost every week of her first year of life. However, the blog being public makes it hard sometimes to really write about certain things. The feelings I share here are usually just sort of on the surface, ones that I don't mind sharing with everyone. But it feels weird to go along and not document what is happening with my amazing dad right now, and I think it is finally time to address a few of my feelings on our family blog.

For the past week and a half, my dad has been in the ICU at St. Mark's hospital on a ventilator. And today we are encouraged that they have finally been able to turn the machine down a little, and that he is still circulating oxygen okay. It is weird though to feel encouraged when he is still so sick and in critical condition.

My dad started out with the flu around Halloween time, finally went into the hospital a week later, and on Friday the 6th, was put on a ventilator, as a last resort to save his life. I have to say that up to this point, that was certainly the worst day of my life. I had a doctor tell me that my dad might not survive, and I cried so hard throughout the day that the next day, muscles in my face that I didn't even know existed were sore.

I know everyone loves their dad, even if they don't have the greatest dad. But I have a pretty spectacular dad. My dad is dynamic. He loves people, and people love him. He isn't afraid of anyone, and he always assumes that people are going to like him so he is never scared of putting himself out there. My dad has never denied me anything material or emotional. He is genuine...sometimes genuinely crazy, but you are always getting 100% Scott no matter what. I get that from him. I get a lot of things from him.

It has not been surprising to see how many people have rallied around my dad right now, and I know it is driving him crazy that he is missing all of it. He loves to be the star of the show.

There have been some tender mercies throughout all of this. My favorite little event I wasn't even around for, but I have to share it anyway. My dad ordained my Grandpa Evans about a month ago to the Melchizedek Priesthood. So right before my dad was put on the ventilator, my grandpa gave my dad his first blessing. Which of course was the first blessing my dad had ever gotten from his dad. My grandpa said: "I know I'm probably doing this wrong, but I know the Lord knows my heart." That in itself was a miracle in my life. Is it selfish that I would like one more?

I have definitely struggled, and at times have felt so angry that I didn't know who else to be angry at but God. Which is certainly not usually my style. It is hard sometimes though to pray so hard, but know at the same time that you need to be prepared to accept the Lord's will. I just refuse to accept the fact that my daughter might not know how much her grandpa loved her, but at the same time, I have to be ready for whatever the Lord allows. Sometimes I don't feel mature enough to be able to understand how to categorize these feelings, and maybe I'm not, since I have never had to deal with something this painful in my life before.

However, during all of this, I am still Stella's mom. I have to keep it together for Stella. But more times than not, it is Stella who is keeping it together for me. She still makes me smile and has been so patient with my constant phone calls. When I get home from the hospital she screams with joy and runs into my arms and reminds me that there is still joy in my life, even though it is not always easy to see. She even tries to make me laugh, oh bless her little heart.

So that is the symbolism of the picture. In the middle of this darkest time, my little girl shines in my life, keeping me sane and getting me out of bed in the morning. I know that I have been sustained by the spirit through the many prayers that have been offered in my behalf. I am positive that I cannot even measure how much the prayers of others have helped me to be as normal as possible at this time.

Mostly though, I just miss my dad. I miss him calling and bothering me with all of the ridiculous questions that he manages to think of. I miss him stopping by on his way home from work to see Stella and drinking all of my milk. I think of him all of the time, since everything in my house reminds me of my dad and his generous nature. I just want him back. It is all I hope for. It is all I pray for.